At Peace

mew
I’m grateful for: a dream I had last night that I had locked myself, who was a kitten, in a cupboard without food for weeks. The dream was of the kitten mewing, and mewing…and mewing. Just that, over and over and over, all night long. I struggle with suicidal thoughts, and it was clear that the kitten was my subconscious self expressing a survival instinct my conscious self doesn’t acknowledge. I conceptualize myself and my body as a tiny BB, and in any idealized sci-fi world, I’d love to be literally a point of light. So it was shocking to be forced to acknowledge myself as a vulnerable, frail kitten. Yet in the dream I knew the kitten was beautiful and should be free, not to do anything in particular but just to be beautiful and free. I have heard many times people say, “Don’t do, just be,” but have not felt at peace with that statement until now. I’ve recently been doing some internal work around being sexually abused, and while it’s threatening to not have the BB to protect me, I’m ready to embark on life as a vulnerable kitten so that the walls that I used to protect myself no longer lock me in a cage.

Thank you to: myself for being reflective enough about anger against my intern to realize my desire to lash out at her for saying my hesitation and doubt is based in fear must be because I’m afraid her observation has a kernel of truth to it.

Something loving: I think my dream was inspired by having read an article this week about a waiter who stood up for the truth of beauty to someone who denied it in a child. It is obvious from the photo that the child he defended is beautiful and joyous, and my dream reminded me of the beauty in myself before it gets filtered through all the mess of judgment and shame that we can learn to wield as we age.

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